.......Without going into more details about what our daily schedule entailed, let me just simply tell you that dealing with all of these people was as equally hard as parenting the two boys. We had decided that I would keep working full time (I figured that was the easiest for me!) and Allen would be the full time parent, chauffeur, counselor, bouncer, and whatever else was required of him. What I quickly came to better understand and deeply appreciate was the work all of the foster parents in my program did. They didn’t simply parent needy kids! That, as I soon discovered for myself, was only half of their jobs. Believe me when I say this. Most of the social workers, without having the actual hands on experience of having foster children in their own homes, have no idea how tough the job of foster parenting is! No matter how many times the social workers hear from you about your difficult situations and trials as a foster parent, unless they have actually walked in your shoes, they will never understand how difficult your job is! Living with the challenging behaviors that foster children bring with them, in itself, is much harder than most agency workers can even begin to imagine. Unless experienced first hand, there is no way to understand how stressful and taxing it can be to live with difficult behaviors 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. That is just the child care part of it. We are here to discuss the rest of the job. The addition of all these new people to your life and daily routine is a scheduling challenge at the very least! In addition to making the time for them, they come to you with a vast array of opinions and advice about what you should and should not be doing as far as parenting their child clients. Not having to live with the children themselves, they have no idea of how the actual application of their treatment plans affects the foster families. For example, I used to tell foster parents to treat their foster children just as if they were they own children. The actual application of that advice could never work. Foster kids have different and more challenging behaviors than most of our own kids. They also do not belong to us. There are as many reasons to treat them differently as there are reasons to treat them the same. I didn’t know how far off I was on that advice until I became a foster parent myself! Unfortunately, many of the child protection social workers and case workers for foster families in our program were fresh out of college with little hands-on experience in parenting even their own children. Many of them were still single or newly married. Even if they had children of their own, it in no way prepared them for what the job of foster parenting entailed. MOST SOCIAL WORKERS AND CASE WORKERS DON’T UNDERSTAND THE DIFFICULTY OF YOUR JOB AS A FOSTER PARENT! On the other hand, as foster parents, we haven’t walked in their shoes either. Social workers have a huge amount of responsibility and usually not enough time to handle the amount of crises that arise during the course of each day. Much of their time is spent putting out fires, so to speak. Here is another shock that I experienced! I didn’t realize it at first, but I soon learned that the professionals on our children’s cases did not view us as professionals too. Allen and I began to feel as though many things were dictated to us without explanation or consideration for our feelings and plans. Many times we waited days for return phone calls from the Departments of Human Services when we had questions to ask them that felt urgent to us at the time. Considering that I was shocked and surprised as a social worker myself at how difficult it was to be at the receiving end of social services, it left no doubt in my mind that my colleagues in social work also did not understand how the foster parents felt when experiencing all of these changes in their lives! |
Keynote: Professionalism and Teamwork By: Mary Goodearle Author of “A Guide to Foster Parenting Everything But the Kids!” Foster parents require much more than good parenting skills to achieve longevity and success in today’s foster care climate. The foster parent profession has a huge drop-out rate as well as many members who are on the brink of burning out and quitting. Too many people begin this job only to find out it was not what they expected. Most foster parents start out with altruistic motivations. They want to provide love and care for needy children. Certainly that is a very good reason for taking on the challenge of foster children. But, taking care of the children is only half of the job. Foster parents must put survival in the system skills on their foster parenting resumes! They need to become professionals who are recognized By the other professionals on their treatment teams as equals. Too many foster parents feel that where respect and professionalism are concerned, they are at the bottom of the totem pole. Foster parents individually, and as a larger group, must being to take the steps necessary to professionalize this vocation in order to preserve future foster care programs and insure that they will be available for children in need. They must take on the challenge of fully participating on their children’s treatment teams and at the same time be able to recognize that each team member has a unique role to play. Foster parents and everyone else on the team must all be working for one common goal. That is, ‘what is best for the foster child.’ All too often the treatment team members begin down separate paths that lead to different goals. In order to achieve the best outcomes for foster children, foster parents must be equipped to handle the other half of this job, which is survival in the foster care system. Learning Objectives:
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| Parenting on the Same Channel A workshop with Allen & Mary Goodearle Foster children and teens most often present foster parents with very challenging behaviors that are beyond the range of what the couples originally expect to encounter. Often times, foster moms and dads end up thinking they have tried everything, and nothing works! The kids’ issues lead to bigger issues between the parents. Workshop participants will learn that men and women cope very differently with stress and how that difference relates to each of their own parenting styles. The importance of consistency between parenting partners and how to plan ahead for stressful situation will be examined. Parents will learn to replace criticism of each other with complementary parenting. If kids are pushing their parents’ buttons and starting family ruckuses, this workshop will provide some very helpful strategies to get both parents to work together and present a united front! LEARNING OBJECTIVES
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| A Guide to Foster Parenting Everything But the Kids! By Mary Goodearle, M.S. (Excerpt from Chapter One: Professionalism) |
Foster Parenting: Excellence Through Teamwork A Keynote Speech or Workshop With Mary Goodearle |
| Parenting On the Same Channel A Workshop with Allen & Mary Goodearle |
| Five Tips For Becoming a Professional Foster Parent! (From the Spring Newsletter & Mary's Book) Whether you like it or not, foster parenting is not just about providing love and care for needy children. Anyone who has been in this profession, even for a few months, knows that there are a lot more people involved in foster care life than just the children. Those other people bring their rules, ideas, and attitudes into your lives and homes! Some of those other people are professionals such as caseworkers, guardian ad litems, and judges who foster parents view as the ‘power holders.’ Unfortunately, many of you view yourselves as not among that group. Granted, the court makes decisions that highly affect foster families and the children who live with them. It becomes very easy for foster parents to feel powerless in their children’s decision-making process. Traditionally, foster parents have felt that they are at the bottom of the heap where professionalism is concerned. Many of them believe they are under the dictate of their case workers. That is with due cause. Caseworkers place and remove kids from our homes. We have a healthy fear of their perceived powers. But, the bottom line is that caseworkers are subjects under the law just like the rest of us. They report to the court. Hopefully their reports include recommendations based on the consensus of the foster child’s treatment team. I want you to understand today, you have power too! Unfortunately, many foster parents give away their power by not viewing themselves as professionals, and by not fully participating on their children’s treatment teams. The treatment team is made up of professionals who make recommendations to the court concerning the welfare of the child. As a foster parent, you are a pivotal person on that team! Foster parents are the most knowledgeable members of the treatment team when it comes to knowing their foster children and reporting on their progress or lack of it. They live with the kids 24/7. The case worker’s information about a child comes from reports in the case file and from information reported by the other team members. They have very limited direct observation of the child. A case worker who is worth his or her grain of salt will listen to foster parents ideas and recommendations, and then take that plus the input of the rest of the team members, and incorporate all of the information into the court report and treatment plan. ! Does this always happen? Of course not. It is the ideal way things should work. How do we, as foster parents work in the real world where things are far from ideal? We maintain our own professionalism and advocacy for our foster children! We insist on full participation on the team. We go to the court hearings and make sure our voices are heard. But, a big caution is noteworthy! This must be done in a confident and professional manner! For five important and helpful tips on becoming more professional: 1. Always consider yourself as an equal professional! You have the most experience and knowledge about your foster child. Don’t feel intimidated by people with degrees and titles. Degrees don’t make people smarter; they just make them know more about a particular subject. You know more about your subject, the child, than anyone else. 2. Document, Document, Document! All professional have written information about what is happening on their cases. You need to do that too. In the course of your daily dealings with your kids, many crucial facts that could affect the case get lost in the shuffle. When it comes time to report to your case worker and the court, don’t allow important facts to be left out! By writing your own case notes, you will have a greater impact on your child’s court recommendations! 3. Hold Yourself to Professional Standards When dealing with professionals who get on a power trip or act in other unprofessional ways, maintain a steady composition. You have to always act tactfully and calmly. You can’t win by bullying, complaining or threatening. When the going gets tough, use your brain power. You have many other options to get what you need. Among them: (1) Call in another team member to help solve a standoff. (2) Use sugar instead of vinegar. Maintain your sweet disposition to calmly explain your point and ask your caseworker to help you explore all of the options available. (3) Table any disagreements between you and your worker and get back to them another day when you have both had time to think and cool down. 4. Seek Out All of the Training You Can Fit Into Your Schedule! Almost all professionals I know must receive ongoing training credits in their fields. You are a professional, and you need to do that too. You can never learn too much about parenting difficult children and other topics related to your job as a foster parent! Training is available all over the place. You don’t even have to leave the comfort of your home! Here are a couple of resources: • fosterparents.com This is a website with over a hundred foster care topics, including my own “Difficult Children Series!” • Subscribe to a professional magazine such as “Fostering Families Today Magazine,” or “Adoption Today.” Many agencies accept training hours based on articles in these periodicals. Not only that, you will gain knowledge on a variety of Substitute Care Topics! • Attend Foster Parent Conferences and Support Group Meetings. The cost of attending a conference is tax deductible! You will meet others who do the same kind of work as you, and who are faced with many of the same challenges! 5. Foster Parenting is a Full-time Job, but it is Not Your Entire Life! All of the other professionals on your child’s team work approximately 8 or 10 hour a day. Their jobs are not their entire lives. Because your job is 24/7, you will have a tougher time finding time for family, spouse, and relaxation. You will probably have to get very creative to get your space! Most agencies don’t offer a lot of help along that line. Make time for dinners out with your mate or best friend. Re-kindle your important relationships. Keep up a hobby or past- time that you enjoy. Here is a little secret from my book: Use my nine o’clock rule: After dealing with kids 24/7, and never finding time to read like I was used to, I came up with this great rule for the kids. Simply stated: “If you don’t have what you need from my and dad by 9PM, you are not going to get it today!” It never failed that just about when we thought the kids were all settled down and we could watch TV or read, someone would need soap, notebook paper, or want to make a phone call. The new rule shut down all of those requests and gave us a little time for ourselves at night! We can all agree that there are many factors that make foster parenting a unique and challenging profession! As foster parents, we absolutely must think of ourselves as equal professionals to the rest of our children’s treatment team members. We are often suspect or misunderstood by the general public and by our colleagues. Individually and as a collective group, we must work to professionalize our jobs and our attitudes about ourselves and the difficult work we do everyday! Return to Home page |